Does your team do the conflict avoidance dance?
Most adults, even CEOs, do not like conflict. It makes us uncomfortable and increases stress, so we avoid having the tough discussions necessary to push important issues forward. We assume that others will be put off by challenging their perspective, providing constructive feedback, or simply sharing a different view. Our past experiences with conflict and our sincere desire not to hurt other’s feelings certainly inform how we view and deal with conflict. Unfortunately, many of us fall into an awkward rhythm Gil and I refer to as the conflict avoidance dance.
Someone says or does something that I don’t agree with. I get frustrated but don’t say anything. My frustration grows and I passively and sometimes actively take it out on the other party. The other party notices my behavior and avoids rather than confronts me. The other party gets frustrated. Something else happens (often trivial) which sets one of us off and we react emotionally.
The problem with avoidance is similar to the analogy of pushing on a balloon – at some point the balloon pops and the conflict escalates. The remedy for improving a leadership teams’ ability to deal with tough issues is to talk about and establish some guidelines for managing conflict productively. As with most important issues, the discussions the team have are more important than the guidelines as they provide a reference point for the team to go back to when challenges arise. Typical guidelines for evolving to a more positive view of conflict management include – (a) providing feedback and observations in a respectful, forward looking manner; (b) committing to be curious and open to other’s perspectives; and (c) learning to disagree for the greater good of the team.
Escape the conflict avoidance dance trap! Get your team to embrace and see conflict as a natural and important part of any team.
[i] Ralph Douglas Stacey, “The Emergence of Knowledge in Organization.” Emergence, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232992375_The_Emergence_of_Knowledge_in_Organization (March 2017).